Elephants can't decipher the squeals of adoring children. They're ignorant of letters, and have atrocious table manners. They roll in the dust, they belch, and unless peanuts are being tossed their way, are aloof to even the warmest of hugs.

Elephants can, however, kill you. With big feet and hides as tough as armor, they can crush your head like a melon and then go about their day without the slightest twinge of remorse.

There's a very popular belief that they use their big ears for keeping cool in their deadland homes, but anyone who truly knows elephants will tell you that this is a dangerous misconception, for the fan-like appendages were in actuality evolved for the purpose of hearing the footsteps of potential prey.

Hundreds of years ago elephants survived on lions and the rare and endangered Syrian Wombat, but now that their habitat has forced them into urban society, these enemies of humanity have adapted themselves to hiding behind corners and waiting for unsuspecting passerby, before using stealth to attack.

Once we were fortunate, for groups of saintly men vanquished elephants like St George and the dragon, making good of this evil by making charming crafts from the fangs of the common elephant. Alas, cruel, man-hating terrorists passed legislation protecting the beasts despite pleas from a terrified populace.

Now that zoos have put "breeding programs" into place (likely due to strong-arming from an unnamed Jumbo), we now have the misfortune of what one can only assume to be super enhanced pachyderms.

Beware, public! For behind that streetlight, that trash can, death may be lurking.